The Twins. This is where my motherhood journey began. 

I was 12 years old when my mother gave birth to a little boy and a girl – twins. I went from being an only child to a big sister of two. I quickly  became one of their primary caregivers, my mom’s right hand so to say.

My family was going through a change, not only because of the new babies, but in our relationships. My mom had just remarried and we were navigating a blended family dynamic. At this point in my life, as I write about it, I’ve done a lot of work to understand the dynamic and my experience back then. 

I’d like to share more about my experience at that time with the twins and some of the lessons I learned along the way.  

My mom carried the twins to almost full term. She spend the last few weeks of her pregnancy in the hospital on bed rest. She was 33 years old and considered Hight risk at the time. I would cook for her at home and bring her food almost every day. 

We lived in a small town in Bulgaria. I still remember the route that I took to the hospital. I was so excited to see my mom, and anticipating that she would give birth to twins any time. I remember that feeling so vividly, and clearly I had no idea what was about to happen. 

So the babies were born healthy and strong via a Cesarean Birth, 3-4 kg each. 

My stepdad and I were there waiting, while my mom had the surgery. I remember he asked me to go to the car and check the time. And when I came back he said, remember this time – the babies are here. 

It was 1:30 pm. 

We were able to see my mom and the babies only through a window that day, as they had to be monitored for a while, but then we brought our babies home. And with that came the sleepless nights and juggling not one but two little babies on a daily basis. 

The only thing I didn’t do was breastfeed them. I helped with bathing, feeding, laundry, cooking, cleaning ..  all the things. I was even in charge of ironing all those little baby clothes, including the socks. To this day, I don’t know why we had to do that. Maybe because there was no dryer, all clothes dried on the line outside. Then we had to iron every single piece of clothing. 

That’s when my own maternal instincts were activated at 12 years old, with the twins. 

I was also in school at the time – grade 8, and of course, had to focus on my school work as well. 

When the twins were 3 years old ( I was 15) we moved from Bulgaria to Canada. 

Yes, you read this right – my parents moved our family of 5  to a new country, an entirely new continent,  with a teenager and two toddlers. 

I remember this time very vividly. My parents had to find us a place to live and they began to work as quickly as possible to sustain our family. I stayed home with the kids, as our parents worked double shifts at a bakery. Both day and night at the beginning. 

I didn’t go back to school right away, 

I had technically finished grade 7 back home, then got accepted into a language school (grade 8), where I learned German for almost an entire year (before we moved) and then we came to Canada. Needless to say, learning German was not very helpful for me. I knew enough English to say my name and ask someone how their day was. I remember those early days, as teenagers, in a new country, taking care of not one but two toddlers..  

I had to grow up quickly for my age. 

I took on a lot of responsibility, which was helpful and when my family needed at the time.  Looking back now, Im certain that this experience shaped who I am as a mother today. 

The twins are now in their 20’s, beautiful, smart, educated people, living their lives. I see them as my first children, and I love them in ways a mother loves her kids. There’s never been a sibling kind of rivalry between us. I’ve always stepped up as a parental figure, someone who’s trustworthy and capable of influencing their growth and evolution. 

We’re still pretty close. 

Now, I want to mention something about siblings and large age gaps between siblings. 

From my own experience and also through supporting clients with this… What I’ve noticed is that it matters whether the new babies entered the dynamic when the older kids were already present… or if the older siblings came after the baby has been in the mix. 

I’ll share more about that in an upcoming post where I dive into the dynamic with my step daughter who moved in after my first born, and before my second. So essentially, she is my husband’s first born child, who lived with her mom and came into our family dynamic between my two birth children. 

I’m illustrating a dynamic and my personal motherhood experience here, because it’s so nuanced and I know that if you are reading this, you have your very own story to share. 

So becoming an older sister to twins as a teenager was the beginning of my mothership journey. 

That’s when I began to learn Presence.

I learned what it means to nurture another because I was no longer the center of attention.

It’s important to mention that at 12, my own emotional growth hadn’t been fully developed yet. 12-14 years of age is the stage of moving from childhood into adolescence. There are a lot of emotional and hormonal changes that happen at that time .. Especially for girls. 

In a sense I don’t remember much of  my own individuation process. A part of me took on responsibility and had to grow up quickly. I skipped some of the important stages of self discovery as a teenager. My mother didn’t have the emotional capacity to support my journey at that time. She, of course, was doing everything she could to make sure we were safe and provided for. 

I’ve worked extensively on my early teenage / adulthood experience to understand and accept it for what it was. I’ve reconnected with  my inner (teenager) child the one who had embodied those early times 

So this is where my Mothership journey began…I have a lot more to share with you about where the motherhood journey has lead me. One of the most profound healings so far,  Has been healing the Mother Wound.

This isn’t something that happens once and is done forever.. This is work that is continuous and is not only for women who have birth children, but also those who’ve had a difficult time conceiving, those who’ve had difficult or strained relationships with their own mother.

Or money for that matter.. Because they are connected. 

This work is passed through the generations and lineage. And worth exploring. If you are curious about it and would like to experience some healing of the mother wound, I invite you to join me for this incredibly healing experience. 

MOTHER- decoding the generational blueprint – a free 5 day Virtual retreat  CLICK FOR DETAILS